Sorry, Rambling and I need to get some stuff off my chest I guess. Don't expect you to read it but it makes me feel better posting it.
I need to go to bed. Like right now. I have to wake up in the morning and do some shopping. And the person I am going shopping with likes to wake up super de duper early. But I can’t seem to make myself go to sleep. I feel like if I keep searching the web I will find what I am feel like I am looking for. I don’t know what I am looking for but I sure as hell can’t stop searching.
Maybe I need to write. When I write I have terrible ADD and move from topic to topic until I hit the right topic. That is what I shall do. So here goes it.
I try to keep that one thing I don’t want to think about out of my head. But maybe it is what I need to ponder on. But if I ponder, I start to hurt and get angry. Maybe I am not looking for something in particular. Maybe I am looking for a distraction so I don’t think about that one thing that hurts.
There is nothing I can do. So what is the point in thinking about it? I can’t change anything. So why ponder? But it sure likes to pop in my head every now and again and freaking ruin my mood and rise my adrenaline and heart beat. Makes me want to freak out and throw stuff and punch things and scream. But I don’t. I know I will feel stupid and pathetic later if I were to do such a thing. Wigging out is not the solution.
The only possible solution is to keep trekking on in my small life. Make the best of things.
On a more positive note, I do love the new chance at life I was given a few years back. I appreciate it more than anything. A life that doesn’t involve taking care of everyone else but myself. A life where I can do both. A life without drugs and so much violence and hate. I am happy I left that life behind. I feel so great and free of it everyday.
I am no longer embarrased of my past because it is what it is. My PAST! I try to also keep in my mind that the present is more important than the future because your present makes your future. You dwell on the future too much you’ll lose yourself in the present and you’ll never get any where. Not saying dreaming needs to be done away with but you can’t live in a dream cloud forever. Gotta get off that cloud and do something.
That is one of my miniature problems I have. I love to dream. Day dream especially. Picturing a story in front of me happening is something I am addicted to. I am addicted to creating scenarios in front of me. (I feel like a weirdo right now) But I can’t help it. I am told over and over that I should write a book. I have a hard time sitting and writing it all out because I am afraid it won’t be perfect. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of not getting it the first time. Because if I don’t, I will get mad and discouraged and I will quit.
I am a perfectionist. And if it isn’t up to my standards, I get all bummy. I have major mood swings and I wonder sometimes if I am bipolar or just human? I don’t know. I wonder how many other humans out there are just like me? Who do a lot of the things I do that I would find very odd of me to do…
Okay, I am annoying myself right now. I think I should just stop. But I know when I hit “create post” I will want to type more and more nonsense gibberish Jessi talk.
My words mean nothing unless you know me or can relate to such a chaotic brain that never stops.
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I think that every day, I am becoming more and more despondent. I don’t see much more to live for, other than to save my friends and family from the grief. I don’t think my death would spell out much of a loss, but I don’t want to put anyone through any unnecessary stress. The world is coming to…